Elizabeth Wright
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The Mat
Peter, my boss, stood looking at the tatty remnants of an old carpet that was laid in the shop doorway. “We really do need a new mat here,” he said. I had to agree. “It doesn't give customers the best impression as they come in.” Pulling a tape measure from out of his pocket, he carefully checked the size of the old mat, jotted down the dimensions onto a scrap of paper and went off to the carpet shop down the road. Twenty minutes later he staggered back under the weight of a thick, bristling piece..... Read More

A Case Of Mistaken Identity
It wasn’t the best of starts to the day. As my friend Wendy got out of bed she trod on Tommy, who was snoozing comfortably amongst her fluffy slippers. The cat shot out of the bedroom, flicking its bruised tail in anger, pausing just an instant to give his owner the kind of withering glare only an annoyed cat can muster. A loud clang from the cat flap announced his exit.... Read More

21 Top Tips For Cat Owners
1: Cats can read the words FLEA POWDER, DROPS, or FLEA SPRAY right through a paper bag at twenty paces. They will do a Reggie Perrin and disappear. 2: To retrieve an angry cat from its hiding place don a full suit of armour. 3: For a retrieval attempted without a full suit of armour, be prepared to unzip cat’s teeth from your flesh, mop up spilled blood (yours), and....... Read More

Chris
The front door crashed open and its big brass handle punched yet another dent in the hallway wall. Tiny bits of plaster fell onto the carpet. The temperature plummeted 20% as the north facing entrance sucked in the freezing January air; it was so cold even brass monkeys weren’t coming out. Jackie stood there, quivering in either cold or annoyance. “Mum, can you help me get..... Read More

Pesky Packaging
I’m standing in the kitchen clutching a large pair of sharp scissors. I’m about to inflict severe injury to – an innocent little blue box of teabags that I cannot get into. I know manufacturers have a duty to protect their products, but nowadays many seem to have gone a cling film and cardboard wrap too far. For five annoying minutes I’ve tried to get my tea bags out, I’m gasping...Read More

Tricky Trixie
“I think I’ll fit a magnetic cat flap for Trixie” said granddad Peter, “It will make it easier for her to get in and out.” Trixie is a family pet, a tortoiseshell female who has got the lot of us at her beck and call. Like most cats she knows that she owns us, we are her servants. If she wants to be fed, she sits by the cupboard housing her packets of food and intently stares at the.........Read More

Open Day
“This is a huge place, Fred, look at the height of that ceiling.”
“It’s a museum, Edith, Now we couldn’t come on holiday to Italy without seeing a museum, they famous for those, seeing as this country’s got such an ancient past. Anyway, these tickets from our hotel were free for the opening of this one. Says.... Read More

Night Night
It has recently been revealed that eight hours sleep is really good for your health and could prolong your life. As a pensioner, I decide that this will do for me. But my dysfunctional lifestyle badly needs re-arranging, so, instead of watching TV in the lounge until 3am and then getting only four hours sleep each night, I plump for a hot chocolate drink, a warm, lavender......... Read More

It's A Dog's Life
This part of the South Downs is a paradise for dogs and their owners. The attractions are obvious – miles of beautiful open countryside covered by acres of springy green turf. Dogs chase balls, rabbits, gulls and pigeons, dig holes in the chalky ground and follow nature’s tantalising smells. Their owners keep fit by walking for miles over the glorious landscape. But this........ Read More

Captive In The Car Park
“So,” said my daughter, “How was Aunty Vi when you visited her in hospital?”
“Oh, she’s doing fine now that they’ve extracted the tennis racket from her posterior. That’ll teach her to pick a fight with her opponent and then bend down to tie up one of her trainer laces. The bigger challenge, after attempting to identify...... Read More

A Cause For Celebration
They were Gold Medal Winners at this year’s Chelsea Flower Show, the Queen admired them, Nigel Havers found them enchanting and Gloria Honneyford wanted to ‘take them all home.’ The object of all this attention was a new, unusual and spectacular variety of clematis, called ‘Celebration,’ exhibited by professional Sussex grower Fred Godfrey, or as he is better known by...... Read More

Gone To The Auction
I’m looking for a cheap set of wheels. My old and much treasured car is still getting me from A to B but bits keep falling off it, so there’s a rapidly diminishing amount of vehicle returning from B to A. It’s fast becoming a moving heap of rust held together by paintwork.Temperamental too. One hint of a frosty morning and it refuses to start. Whilst my daughter is leaping..... Read More


© Elizabeth Wright